About Me

Hello to quite possible nobody,
So my therapist thinks it's a good idea to write my feelings/emotions down, obviously her words weren't "I think you should start a blog," that was my idea.  I have a really hard time expressing myself and just recently found that I can "write" (yes the term is used loosely here). Well let's say I enjoy expressing myself on paper.  It all started when I helped my wife write a report and a poem for her literature class.  Apparently I'm not horrible at it.  The first poem was about the Ender Games, if anybody has managed to read that book it was a decent read.  But let's rewind and explore my past.  I have six children and a wife, thankfully, :) who is in school.  She is an absolute amazing woman who I happened to find when I was 20.  Dated for 9 months and have now been married for 14 years this year.  Now I would love to say that it's because I'm such a good guy but to be honest I've been a huge ass the majority of our marriage.  We have six beautiful children, which are the reason we made it to 14 years.  Now I'm not saying that we are only staying together now because we have six children.  I'm saying that we made it because we have six children.  I have improved immensely with time, she says.
 So that's the distant past let's bring it within the past 6 years.  We moved to a new location for a job opportunity for me 6 years ago.  She started nursing school in 2014, I think.  It feels like we are barely keeping our heads above water having six children and a wife that is in school.  Not to mention she is a rehab addict so we have a house that is in various stages of remodeling.  She's funny like that, can't stand not doing something.  Not happy unless she has a sledge hammer pounding holes in walls...:(.
At any rate my hat is off to single parents out there, at least I have a date that I'm looking forward to because she will be finished with her Associates of Nursing in December of 2016, HOPEFULLY!!!  Of course she won't be finished, she will be continuing on for her Bachelor's and quite honestly I don't know if she will ever stop trying to advance.  She is definately committed, maybe needs committed. :). I say that in jest.  At any rate I have been really struggling with my life.  I had suicidal thoughts, wrote suicide poems.  Really, really thought about ending it all.  Now I know I'm not out of the dark yet but hopefully I am recovering.  I shouldn't have suicideal thoughts, looking at my life I see nothing but possibilities.  I love my children, my wife.  Just feel neglected.  Yeah I've thought that she was cheating.  Doesn't everybody at some time? But you honestly don't understand how this girl works.  She won't do that, totally committed to me and her children.  Now I'm not saying she wouldn't walk away if I wanted out.  She wants me to be happy and if that's what it would take, she would be willing to do that.  Anyway...I've been struggling.. I have no hobbies and no friends really.  It's hard to find friends when you have six kids. I mean where do you meet people?  It's not like I feel comfortable walking down to the bar to hang out with people.  I feel so far beyond that anymore.  Plus it's like you want to do background checks on people you let around your kids.  As for hobbies... Has anybody tried fishing with six kids?  Yeah not really fun.  Anyway I think I have been struggling with lack of friends, lack of hobbies, lack of purpose.  I often wonder what the heck is going to happen when these kids grow up and move away.  Will I turn into that grouch old man that yells when the neighbor kids run on my grass?  I hope not, We have plans of traveling, plans of moving south, plans of me having a coffee shop.  I love coffee.   Beer?  I can survive without it.  Not saying I don't enjoy a cold brew.  But coffee, that's my addiction.  Hot, has to be hot.  Not warmed up either.  Wife will warm her cup up a couple of times in the microwave in the process of finishing it.  Rarely do I let a cup of coffee go cold in a cup.  Anyway that's me in a nutshell.  I plan on continuing this but...I've been known to start things and never finish them.:). Quite frankly if you read this drop a comment.  Let me know this isn't a total dumbass idea.